She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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