just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
