Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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