I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
