sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
