i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED