Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
