Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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