Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
