I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
