I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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