I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
