Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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