I could make wine with my vomit
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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