I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
