I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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