Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
