so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
