can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
