At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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