I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
