I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
