My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
