How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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