Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
