And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
