Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
