Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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