VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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