I am puke
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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