i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
