Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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