I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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