She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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