Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
