I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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