I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
