when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
