just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
