i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
