i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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