It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I want to fling myself into the sun
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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