I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
