I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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