just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
