the condom got lost in my hair
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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