every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
