How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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