i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
