is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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