420 ftw
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
