my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
