we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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