I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm too high and old for this...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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