if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
