God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
