a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
