i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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